i have finally realized what my fatal flaw is. it shouldn't have taken me this long. DanMad said it to me long ago, while wrestling in what i believe we later found to be goose poop. He told me the following while we were grappled together: YOU KNOW THE REASON WHY YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE? BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO COCKY. and he was right. i'm an arrogant bastard. i expect everything i do to be right. i expect everyone to love me. i expect everyone to choose me over everything else in their life, including themselves. i expect happiness to come and stay, when it hasn't even touched the lives of most of the people on the planet. my enemy has finally revealed himself, and he is my pride. the only real reason i seem to be upset over a girl is because she made me look bad. ridiculous. i talk of pledges of love and honor, and it's all bullshit. the only person i love and honor is myself.

in non-philosophical news, i am doing alright in my classes...my living by myself hasn't hurt me as much as i had once thought.

in other news, i'm a bad bad man who does bad bad things. i'm trying to figure out if i'm that junky, or if i'm that junky. either way, i'm junky. but the thing is, no one else would see anything wrong in what i'm doing. so why do i?

after the two exams i have tomorrow, i only have one more semester of college. that's fucking with my head more than it should. and i know exactly why. because i'm afraid to fail. again with the pride thing. but there are some days when i really think i could do it...i mean...i REALLY think i could do it...i need more of those days.

i'm too concerned with being different from everyone else. i this contributes to why i hang on to people so long. everyone else just throws you away if you become useless...i try to hang on as long as a i can. i think i'll keep that up...because someone has to.

i don't think i put on deoderant today...and i don't think anyone noticed...which is odd considering i was close to a girl and hung out with a few people...or maybe they did...ah well...i shit and i stink, i'm real, join the club...man...that's good shit right there.

sometimes i just listen to sad music and look through the pictures on my computer...is that a bad thing?

here's to hope.