they have been in my dreams every night since i've seen them...that kinda sucks...i used to really like going to sleep. and then i start thinking about movies like The Graduate and shit...how he took a chance and went nuts and did crazy things...and then i think, "would that work if i did that?" with the answer obviously being "no." actually, it's more like, "no...fucking idiot." and i smile and say, "of course." so i've basically stopped talking to both of them...not that i talked to either very much this semester. [it should be obvious to the viewer that they do not talk to me, although it might be noted that she does still talk to my friends, or at least one of them (besides the one she's dating)] most of the time, and i mean most of the time, all i do is sit and ponder what i have done and what has happened to me and what i can do to possibly change my situation, and if i can change my situation, what situation would i change it to? this is the most intriguing question of the bunch. would i actually try to get back to what i had before? i say "yes" as a reflex action. but if i sit and think about it...the answer becomes more complicated. my official answer is "yes, with revisions." which really means, "no."

i've had so many plans on how to live my life it is ridiculous.

i've also broken my word so many times it is on the same level of ridiculi.

TICKET TO RIDE by THE BEATLES is the song that most describes how i feel right now. or at least the song i'm currently listening to. The Beatles have been playing a major part in keeping me alive the past few months. Like mana from heaven.

i don't think anyone in the world really knows what i'm trying to do.

and with that, i'll go dream about them again.

thank you and goodnight.