i've always hated change. it is my worst enemy. change kills everything. most notably, love. make no mistake, i hear the words, i just don't listen. when trying to think of a word that describes me, only one word flashes thru my mind. dangerous. i remember her asking what my expectations were...i lied to her and said, "nothing." i think it has been shown that the only way people will stay with me is to lie. no one wants to know what i think, but a lot of people think they do. their revelations show i am nothing but a villain. a noble villain, but a villian none-the-less. i don't know why, but i expect everyone to have a higher moral standing than myself. i hate following my code of conduct knowing others will not. i like to think of myself as a swashbuckler, but probably resemble the preacher more. i am very good at condemning people. hypocricy is my forte. everything i hate, i do. i see red everytime she tells me goodbye. i do great violence to myself. it seems i can write about this forever, and even exhausted, i can still feel. my passion has not decreased, and that is disconcerting. either this is one big test, which i have been assured it is not, or i will feel like this forever, with no peace. the latter has the same poetic feel of my previous life's stories.

aside: i was beaten up by my next door neighbor when i was small. i can't recall the reason, but we 'weren't friends' anymore. i remember one time i was skateboarding on the sidewalk in front of my house. he was accross the street. i turned to go away from my neighbor, and was subsequently called a chicken. i replied with, "i may be a chicken, but at least i'm not a turkey" and turned to go inside. i distinctly remember my sister yelling, "andy watch out!" but i didn't modify my pace. within a few seconds i was on the ground, maybe being hit...maybe not...that is fuzzy. apparently there had been a misunderstanding of what i said...my neighbor had heard "...at least i'm not a pussy."

that just keeps on happening.