i really think i've gone mad. seriously. i have to force myself to follow social conventions. i hold my head to keep it from exploding.

you have no idea how much i just want to leave.

she tells me she already got all her emotion out...so she can stare at me like a stone golem. unfeeling. you don't know how low that makes me feel. to not even arouse any anger or regret. nothing. i could be replaced by a dog and recieve more of a reaction. i am nothing to her...not even a ghost. and that's what hurts the most. the illustration of my worthlessness. fuckers who will never be half the man i am are given preference. i burn. i was all ready to forget and fade away, but no, i had to be nice and caring...look where that got me. you have no idea how much i hate this world. my fists will not unclench for extended periods of time. i rage on the inside...and the feeling does not pass. i am beyond tempted. and i hate people who try to console me even more. 'oh don't worry about it, andy' or 'i think you're cool' or some other bullshit that they tell me just to try to improve my mood so i can make them happy when they talk to me, or rather when I talk to THEM. all of my so-called friends never initiate conversations...it is always me. fuck 'em. no more.

i'm not talking to anyone who hasn't proven themselves.