i still have bad dreams. i bet that isn't reciprocated. nor should it be. i'm a very forget-able individual.

when running thru character designs for our comic book, the character based on me brought up an idea that i found very fitting. after several attempts to find love, and several failures, he just said 'fuck it' and became a hitman. now while i don't intend to become a killer, the 'fuck it' part of the story is looking very enticing.

conversations with others confirms my stance as a realist, or pessimist for those of you with junky attitudes. i play percentages. the chances of my dreams coming true are very small, while the possibility of me becoming a civil engineer are near 100%. i was always a conservative gambling man. this doesn't mean i won't give it a go, it just means i don't expect the go to go well.

hope for the best, expect the worst.

i keep saying that, but people just don't seem to understand. that is the safest way to live. if i didn't live by that saying i'd probably be horribley crushed and unable to function anymore with the recent circumstances...but then the other side would argue that it was that attitude that got me into the mess anyway. i think they are wrong, and they think likewise of me.

i say the same shit incessantly.

i get so mad. i know i shouldn't, but i do. i don't know if i'm getting angry at myself, or angry at other people...but i do get mad. and then i get mad about getting mad, so i get even madder. and this is mad in both senses of the word.

i don't know what i'll do. i never make decisions until the last minute. that sucks...