i don't understand.

as simple as that phrase is, it carries with it loads of truth. i just can't understand. i thought i did everything right, or most of it anyway. all the feedback was positive. then i am put in the worst situation i can be put in, where i have zero chance of success, and then i'm blamed for being myself. i was always taught that staying true to yourself would yield good results, and i guess if you were an optimist you would see these results as good. me being me, i cannot. i don't understand how you can just, with the snap of your fingers, fall out of love with someone. to me there is no in or out of love. there is only love. it is either there, or it is absent. i keep going back to when i thought i had the plague, and thought i was going to die. she came over, despite my distinct order not to, and proclaimed her love for me. if you were there, you would have seen not a smile, but a concerned look on my face. it is my experience that no one can be fully trusted, not even family. they will find a way to hurt you, intentional or not. i looked at her, my insides dying from both sickness and feeling. at first i decided, "no...i won't let myself do it." but the feeling was too powerful. i, too, pronounced my love. what people don't realize is that with this simple phrase of, "i love you" comes a slew of other things. in my mind, this was a promise to never falter, to never lie, cheat, or steal in terms of feelings and emotions. it was an eternal pledge, not given lightly. i learned from my past and what is and isn't real love. i assumed the other party had also had past experiences that would help to define real love and infatuation. i am starting to think that was not the case.

now i know that i'm a fucked up individual, with hypocrisies galore. i know i am anti-social, anti-whatever-you-are. i know i am difficult just to be difficult. i know what i do. i know i am a sad, pathetic man, who won't let go. of course i won't let go. why the hell should i? she was one of the few things that made me truly happy...i know she doesn't like to hear it, but it's true. very few things on this earth can bring a smile to my face. i may not look it, but i'm a tenacious fighter. i do not let go easily...maybe not as easily as i should. looking at her and looking at me, it is clear to all that she deserves better. but then the cocky side of me shouts, "yeah right. there is no one better." and he may have a point there. i like to think i'm a one of a kind. everything all jumbled up together.

and that is my curse.

i would be happy if i had just decided to give up and move on. i would be happy if i had just decided to never give up and try to win her back. my problem is that i have decided to do both. my brain simply states, "hey...she fucked you over...let's get to gettin'" while the heart on the other hand replies with, "no...she is just as confused as you and needs her space right now. wait it out." they both have good points, as was stated in an earlier entry. while in wisconson on vacation from vacation for 4+ days, i had time to sit and think. like old movies, i replay my visit thru my head, thinking how i could have done things differently to achieve the results i want. the fact of the matter is, i can't change the past, so i just torture myself needlessly. so then i try to think of future actions that could either somehow win her back, or relieve me of this stress of thinking about her incessantly.

it goes like this..."why can't she just accept the fact that i'm it. this is it. yeah, it's a bummer you can't be a crazy kid anymore, but open up your eyes." and then, "yeah...open up your eyes. she doesn't want you anymore...and it's no wonder why, look at you. fucking pansy. being one of those guys." and so on and so forth.

does anyone else do that? or am i crazy? well...i know i'm crazy, but the fact that i know i'm crazy counteracts the craziness...right?

so i think she thinks i'll somehow stop her from having fun...or achieving her goals...or something. and that's just the thing...she hasn't told me jack shit. the communication breakdown sucks ass, en mi opinion. i can't learn anything about what she's feeling without resorting to questionable methods, and thus having another strike against me. it fucking pisses me off. i'd just love to have straight shootin' truthful conversations. "i want to break up with you because you suck and i hate you." yes! thank you! i can work with that. "i want to break up with you because i'm not 'in-love' with you, but i still love you...and i'll still sleep with you...just not when i get back...because your a pessimist and loser...and i don't like your committment to me...i'm not done yet...maybe if i had met you five years later...you don't like to drink with strangers...in a strange place...with other strange people...and i act anti-social too, but that's different...yeah...you suck, but don't." what the fuck am i supposed to learn from this? that i'm not totally sucky...just not very good? what the fuck. why didn't any of this stuff come up before? weren't we supposed to have fights over this stuff early in the relationship? was i supposed to bring up all of this shit?

one semester i was always scolded for leaving her, the next i was told i was lazy for not doing anything, FUCKING BEANS WHY CAN'T YOU TALK TO ME LIKE A FUCKING HUMAN BEING INSTEAD OF A TEDDY BEAR. as i understand it, there was supposed to be running dialogue. yeah...that was probably my fault. instead of actually sleeping i should have talked to her more. looking back on it, i fucked up a lot of shit. because i am a loser. but all in all i think it was a damn good time for all involved. sure, there could have been some minor changes, but why can't we just do the minor changes and keep on going? no, not now...i agree about the breaking up for the accross the ocean part, but to swear off a chance of rekindling shit before you are even back...that's junky.

whatever...as i said in the beginning...i don't understand. i don't understand anything. well...i do understand my feelings...kinda...and they are that i'm not gonna fucking give up, because what we had was too special to just say, "nyeah...that's a bit too tough...so i'm just gonna quit". yeah, i know this makes me one of those guys. you know the ones...the kids you make fun of for not letting go to a hopeless situation. but fuck it. i'll take the ridicule...i've been taking it in some form or another for 20 years. yeah, i know my chances of success are slim to none, but i like to think those are my kind of odds.

the fact is this: even after all the shit, i still wanna be with her. that's got to count for something, right?

right?