i can count my bones.

i fight with myself every moment of every day not to just call and pour out my heart and make her understand...

but i force myself not to...because that would be selfish of me.

i saw The Passion yesterday...i cried.

i'm still trying to find an idea...something to hold on to...something that makes sense of the mess i'm in...and i have yet to find it...and i don't think there is anything that makes sense about everything i feel...so i think i'll just put the feelings on hold until i can do something about them.

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i'm ruined.

what is so bad about me anyway? i think i'm a pretty good guy...don't you? i miss you always...for some reason, yes it does make me smile...

you know that feeling you get, when you get up to the top of the hill on a rollercoaster...yeah...i have that feeling permanently now...the constant expectation of falling.

and i know this isn't helping my case...but it certainly is helping my mind...i stayed up until 3 am last night just thinking...that's over 3 hours of pure thought...focused on one problem...and how to solve it...i think i'm a pretty smart guy...i should be able to solve it...i should be able to figure out how i can succeed...fuck, man...i did what i said i couldn't...and now i can't do what i said i could...fuck. i'm glad someone invented that horrid word. because it's very useful in times like these. i'm so very close to the edge it's not funny. again...this isn't helping, i know. again i smile at my ineptitude. i apologize. for everything.