And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave

this is the hardest i've tried at anything for quite a long time. i keep going over and over it in my head. i know this isn't what i'm supposed to be doing, but it is what i do. i analyze until i think i find a solution. needless to say, i have not found an acceptable solution yet.

but i can already see the ending...

i wish i could just get angry...just get furious and explode and never think about it ever again. i so wish i could do that. it is just so stupid...i was certain i had taken all the precautions to avoid the exact state of affairs i find myself in. i've been here before, and told myself i'd never be here again. i was going to play it smart...not get attached to anyone. condition myself to be able to leave at a moments notice. my aim was to just enjoy myself, with no expectations or responsibilities. i was so sure i could succeed at this. i was cold and calculating from the beginning. then somewhere along the line, i actually fell in love. i tried not to. i told myself facts to try to talk myself out of it. she obviously had apparent faults. she was not perfect. she was selfish and mean. she didn't care about things if it didn't concern her. she was consumed with ambition. she wore dirty clothes and no makeup. this is but a few points on the list i conjured that would give me reason to be emotionally unattached. reasons i could use in case i needed to forget her...in case i needed to hate her. and now that case has arisen. i need to hate her. i need to forget her. i need to try to move on. but i cannot. some of you may be thinking, "well of course not...it's still too soon...just give it time." while that may appear to be a valid arguement on the surface, i can assure you it is not true. i have always had a gut feeling of what i could and could not do when it came to my feelings. i knew i could forget the last one...that is why i conceded. but my gut tells me different about this one. i'd like to think that she is just horribly afraid of where a long term relationship will lead. i'd like to think that she still loves me, but can't bring herself to act like it anymore, in fear that she will eventually end up with me. i'd like to think that this all is just to keep her independence, and has little to do with her actual feelings for me. i'd like to think that we'll get back together again, after she comes to understand that there is really nothing to be afraid of. i'd like to think that the world is a happy place, where things like this could happen. i'd like to think i haven't wasted my time on her. i'd like to think that this is just a test, and that all i have to do is power through it.

i'd like to think i still have a chance.

please read the lyrics...they say it so much better than i ever could...

I gave you everything
But then you wanted more