i just got done watchin joe dirt.

a great movie...and it got me thinking...which movies and such tends to make me do...and i was thinkin...joe dirt has the right idea...he is an optimistic person...even when things are terrible...he looks at the bright side...i on the other hand am a bonafide dues-paying pessimist...i see the problems...never the good things...i'm so lucky...yet picture myself as so deprived...and i seem to blame a lot of people for my problems...i don't know where that comes from...gotta fix it...

it's kinda funny...i spent all day today brooding on how i am "alone"...and just basically wallowing in bad thoughts...so a normal day for me...and all this time i could be doing other stuff...the stuff i tell myself i should be doing...but can't...ok...bare with me...its 12:48am...i'm not good at staying up...now i'm just rambling...ramble on...sing my song...and i really don't like people reading my diary...foolish me for putting it online...oh well...its still somethin to do...plus i don't think anybody who reads this is near me...so i am relativly safe from odd encounters...and people knowing too much...yeah...i learned in chemistry that there can be "too much"...something about a limiting reagent...i'm sorry...crazyspeak...i should be sleeping now...but i want to do something useful...too bad i can't...too tired...i'll do something useful tomorrow...and tomorrow never comes...somebody said that...damn my memory...

i wish i could just tell people what i feel when i feel it...kinda like ben...but with a bit more self control and diplomacy (sorry ben...but you say some crazy things)...

"once...upon a time...i could love myself..."