i am made up of two entirely different cultures...opposites in most ways, in fact. the austrian half is cold and calculating, methodical in thought and action. the other half is the typical emotional latino. letting emotion run rampant in speech and deed. i am always conflicted as to what i should do. always. my body's makeup is in constant war with itself.

the mixing that led to me has led to other results. i do not 'belong' to either side. i've had 'white' people call me racial slurs. the example that stands out in my mind is in 6th grade. i sat down next to my-should-be-drummer-turned-nemesis to ask him if he could spare a quarter for some tater tots or some shit, and one of his friends calls me an indian (east) racial slur...not even the right race! everyone, including my friend-turned-enemy-but-not-because-of-this started laughing. what struck my as awkward was not the taunting, but that an actual indian kid was laughing along with them. i pointed this out and he responded with, "they don't call me that anymore." it made me sad then, and it still does today. another example involves my ex-girlfriend (you know i had to bring her up). i went to meet her family, including her grandmother. her grandmother apparently doesn't like 'colored' people...i was told we weren't going to bring up my Puerto Rican heritage, and just play it off as me being 'tan'. Again...made me sad, and still does.

but i get it from the other side, too. on a visit to Washington, DC, to visit a friend, she introduced me to one of her black friends there. apparently they discussed my mixed heritage before i showed up. when i was formally introduced at a party, this was the response: "i thought you were mixed, but you look like a white boy to me." it seems people, as a whole and individually, cannot stop making me sad.

there's more, but who really cares. the people who don't understand, won't. the people who do understand already do.

so, concerning this, i don't consider myself anything. i mark 'other' on things that list race. the seriousness of this entry now turns to hilarity as i compare myself to a mythical race of people known as half elves. i know you all are probably laughing right now, but i find a lot of myself in these characters. especially in the Dragonlance novels. they usually have the same conflicting self motives i do, and feel the same....alone.