if i ask you, please don't tell me.
i already know.
but to hear it...to hear it...
i read back, and i was like this before...stomach pains and bleeding hands...but was it this intense? for this long? did i expect anything less? no. am i ashamed, yes...but will i hide? haha. of course. my beard doesn't hide my despair as much as i had hoped (see earlier entry for details).

everyone i talk to doesn't understand how i live my life. no one gets it. there is a purpose for everything i do. every action, every word muttered under my breath, every step i don't take. people do not see the way i see. i have this grand vision of how a life should be lived...complete with a code of ethics and morality. there are times when i lose myself and fail...but i always return to my set path. people...the people...nevermind.

i really do hate myself.

i guess that's what has always been my problem.

hear my name, take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand, lie beside me i just need to say
i could not take a-just one day
i know when i would not ever touch you...hold you...feel you...in my arms...
never again...