i want to kill myself. she always talks about replacing her. that is the stupidest fucking idea i've ever heard. that's like saying, "oh, those guys dying in iraq...just replace 'em with other sons, daughters, fathers, and mothers...we're all the same anyway." but i guess I am easily replaced. i guess that is the difference. i just want someone to push me in front of a bus or shoot me in the head trying to rob me. i can't bring myself to do it, because i'm a coward. but how i long for death. just escape from this meaningless life. i really have no purpose here, right? hey...just replace me. fucking retarded. and then she tells me shit like, "i don't have much homework...so i have all the time in the world to hang out with other guys who fuck much better than your sorry ass...you ugly ugly motherfucker...how did i ever allow myself to be with you...why don't you fucking go find an ugly bitch to fuck so you'll stop talking to me." and everyone agrees. they say things like, "move on, homey" or something like that...they really mean, "yeah...give up on having a happy life...you just gotta roll with the punches...you just gotta accept all the shit... ALL THE FUCKING SHIT life dumps on you...you gotta give up...you have to forget about trying to win at life...you were born to lose...look at the past...you've always been a loser...you never get what you want...you suck soooooo much...why did you even try...why did you expect this to be any different...why are you still trying to get what you can't have...you weren't made to be with someone...you were born to die alone...fucking idiot."

and i move on to the thought of how i am so selfish. i don't even think about her feelings. she doesn't want me anymore...she's fucking HAPPY. yeah, i'm pissed that her happiness isn't with me, but i'm not a big enough man to let her have it. i only want ME to be happy. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME. i am a fucking idiot. deep down, i think i always knew she was too good for me. and i think she knew it too. it is the hardest thing in the world for me to let her go. i know i have to...but FUCK. you know? it's not like she's far away anymore...she's 3 fucking blocks away...i could run to her place in 4 minutes. that is what burns the most. so close, yet so far away. i am still amazed she has the strength to talk to me and not get pissed when i go nuts and start spouting shit that i know is wrong...she's amazing. i hate myself every time i talk to her. i know i should just leave her alone. i'm just a burden of a friend now...trying to drag her down to be with me again. i'm pretty sure i have clinical depression. but fuck it. i've had my cold for 3+ weeks now...i hope it will kill me. i think that would be a good way for me to go. i have this fantasy of pearl jam playing my funeral and playing some of my songs. i'm pretty sure that's not right. i guess i just need to vent in this more often...to save her some outbursts. or somehow get killed.