the only people who like me are the ones who don't know me. my facade seems to be very enticing and likeable to most people. but on the inside... the inside is rotten. i guess the people who get interested by the outside, and then finally get to the center after all the hoops and riddles, are severely disappointed.

sorry.

i'll remedy the situation by never letting anyone else get to the center. for real this time.

in case you were keeping score at home, i still don't understand. how can it simultaneously hurt so much and feel so good? and why does my life have to feel just like those unrequited love songs? or are those songs so popular because everyone feels like this? and if everyone feels like this, why the hell do they keep on? and why am i forbidden to succeed? does everyone think like this? am i alone? if so, is this the price of being different? i've noticed almost everyone claiming to want to be an individual...to be different...but i don't see them doing anything out of the ordinary. they just go around and try to please everyone...try to be cool. am i doing the same thing?

one thing was made clear to me over the course of the past few days...i can never be 'just friends'. every stray smile, every stray glance, every stray touch...that is both heaven and hell. i would go insane trying to hold back in the face of that onslaught.

there is a chance i could just force my way back in...but that wouldn't be my style, or even acceptable by my standards. i still play by the rules, even though she doesn't. she doesn't have to. she makes the rules. this i understand, and accept. she shouldn't have to be restrained in how she loves or who she loves. she shouldn't settle...and i guess dating a civil engineer who has a gritty outlook on life would be just that.

man...why can't i just fucking live.

let me transcribe something from my little notebook...i think i was still crazy when i wrote this:

i died that night, i never made it past "i'm sorry." she was so beautiful, even when she murdered me. she says i don't need her to be happy, and she's right. i need her to live.

sounds vaguely familiar doesn't it? i think i said something very close to that the last time this happened. so taking a logical approach to this situation, you would assume i'd get over this one as well. all i need is someone else to love.

but i still have this feeling that this is not the case...i don't know why. the munchkin told me not to make her into something she wasn't...but i'm pretty sure i'm not doing that. i can clearly see her faults...i couldn't with the last one. i don't know. it's just...i feel so unfinished. and of course, me being me, my brain has caught on to this feeling of being unfinished, and it won't let me sleep. i lay in bed for hours and hours...maybe it's just because it is too hot upstairs...

i can see she almost cares enough to try again. but i don't think her pride will let her...or is that just mine that won't let me quit?

it seems i've stopped making sense.