so i went to a party with my friend. i did what she told me to do. i was social. i was charismatic. i was the man. i controlled my situation. i was a normal college student.

and i still want her. even moreso now. talking with others only made this more clear to me.

and i realize my mistake. taking things too seriously...wanting to plan long term. we should have just kept doing things with no expectations. that's when it worked for us. how i wish to go back to that.

and i will.