i was thinking about her again...not in any fond sort of way, just trying to remember how it went...trying to remember so i could pass on my knowledge of being shattered and broken to another...

and yes, she also did spend time on my mind...i was pondering the difference of my feelings...i was angry with the other one...full of rage...wondering how i was losing to an infidel...the current one gives me no feelings of rage...and i'm wondering if this is what real love is like...instead of the tainted lust i mistook for love before...or if it's just a friendly feeling coupled with physical attraction...i guess it all boils down to the question "what is love?"

...and i have no answer.

i've spent most of my adolesence trying to shove my feelings down and disconnect with them as much as possible...now, when i need to know what i'm feeling, i don't know, because i never allowed myself the freedom of feeling before...damn, screwed myself over when i thought i was protecting myself

...but i guess its like that one song goes...

owner of a lonely heart
better than an owner of a broken heart